M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
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This is my emotional support knife.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?