“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
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Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away