“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
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I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
*ernest hemingway voice*
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”