Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I think we should hear other voices.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”