Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
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Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.