“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
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My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.