I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
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Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.