Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
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[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
She was REALLY feeling it.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo