Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
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I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
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hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book