Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
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Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Finally, an instrument I can play!