[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
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when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Aight bet
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.