[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
You Might Also Like
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”