Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
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[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.