@JohnLyonTweets: Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We've never met before, right?
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@WeissBrandon: Friend: If Nicki Minaj, Ke$ha, Nickelback, and Creed all died in a plane crash who would you miss the most? Me.. F... M.. F.. Me: the pilot
@rockymomax: [prison] CELLMATE: what are you in for? ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
@chuuew: DR: So, you're 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson? BART: I don't know where my hair starts