@JohnLyonTweets: Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We've never met before, right?
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@AndPlayDad: I don't know what the big deal is. Putting my toddler to bed is easy... In fact, just tonight, I did it 25 times.
@KaliciaBo: "You are cute like a dog, Momma!" My daughter is very sweet but we must work on her ability to compliment.
@ch000ch: hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
@withanewname: *installs google translate* *looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal* *finds half my tweets doing better than mine*