Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
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DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Nigella has gone too far this time.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.