I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
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I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”