magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
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*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
oh shit
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.