magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
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[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken