@MKupperman: I'm taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

@Twtercide: 911: What is your emergency? Me: Fire 911: Riley, is that you? Me:.... 911: Listen carefully, that firefighter asked to be transferred.

@psybermonkey: When my Uncle died the obituary said that he 'passed away in the warmth of his own home.' It was a house fire.

@lazerdoov: *wakes up in a cold sweat* Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

@Darlainky: I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted. It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay. You win again, life.