@nbadag: "my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!" i'll be RIGHT back *ducks into phone booth* *pops head out 5 mins later* is he gone yet

@XplodingUnicorn: I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain. My favorite child is the Roomba.

@Try2StopME: Doctor: "Hey, how are you?" Patient: "I am good" Doctor: "Ok. Next."

@AnniemuMary: Hey electric toothbrush makers- I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

@: Call ur ex and when they pick up be like “see this is another reason why we broke up, you always entertaining yo exs” then hang up.