@MumsieEsq: Tweets are like your children: you love them all at first, you never know how they’ll age, and most of them you regret creating.

@KrazykurtKurt: When #EgyptAir announced "he's not a terrorist, just an idiot" My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

@niks27_shah: I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said "WHERE ?"

@XLCadillac: [job interview] “Why should I hire you?” “Because I have pictures of you with a goat?”

@aksorojas: I'm scared of buying an iPhone X cos there's a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt's and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it