@jesse_street: MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
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@KalvinMacleod: Their palms are sweaters, knees sweatery, arms are sweaters. There's more sweater on their sweater already.
@thejamietighe: Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE? Neighbour: Get out of my house! Me: You're not even guessing.
@Matt_The_1st: Hello 911? Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
@gingerfaced: [arrives in heaven] how'd you die? me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
@JJSummertime: It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
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