Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
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What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.