@duplicitron: Mail some pirates a treasure map leading to the exact spot where you need a hole dug for a tree.
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@tastefactory: VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him? VICTIM: That's Bart Simpson SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
@Matt_The_1st: Can I take your order? Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke. Sir, this is Wallgreens OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
@KeetPotato: [gameshow] me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] "17" host: [looks at me weird] "that's wrong" other contestant: "salmon?" host: "correct"