@duplicitron: Mail some pirates a treasure map leading to the exact spot where you need a hole dug for a tree.
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@ISOremarkable: My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
@Quartzjixler: I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
@Sickayduh: "In my defense, Your Honor, I only made comments about her yoga pants cause harassment a lot to me" "Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant"
@markedly: Mafia Boss: You wearin' a wire? Me: "Wire" you asking me that? lol get it [the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]