this is funnier than any friends episode
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My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
See..?
.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.