*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
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Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok