Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
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my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it