I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
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Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
i love meeting boys on tinder
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”