Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
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Blew out my flip flop…
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
mood
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Breaking news:
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Seems a bit forward
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious