Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
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Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.