Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
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(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string