MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
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“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
This forever.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
A leaf blower, but for people.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
best review i’ve ever seen
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.