“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
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Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now