ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
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[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
no
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…