PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
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Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.