Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
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I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Name this drama.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
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they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.