“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
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STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
who will stop them
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*