Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
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Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Still cracks me up
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.