instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
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Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*