@chrisanna4real: Make sure to change out the condom in your wallet once in a while...so your wallet doesn't think you're a loser.
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@Pro_Jones_: (Wedding) Priest: They've written their vows Wife: *recites beautiful vows* Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
@ValeeGrrl: An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
@carlyken: If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it's because I can't remember if it's my turn to say words or yours.
@TheSofiya: which is the Beyonce song where it's like we're independent but also you should marry us but like we're super-strong but also pay our bills