@chrisanna4real: Make sure to change out the condom in your wallet once in a while...so your wallet doesn't think you're a loser.
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@david8hughes: Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o'clock Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o'clock]: I'm just gonna nap for an hour then
@weinerdog4life: Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn't a ghost
@librarianfonz: I literally use figuratively in literally every occasion where I am literally speaking figuratively.