[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
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STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
huge if true: the moon
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.