@okay_andi: Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
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@partlyfunny: My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
@WritePlay: TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket? ME: You shut your mouth TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
@Sassafrantz: Relationship Status: I ate 7 bananas trying to get the new guy at work to notice me.