@okay_andi: Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
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@Tmoney68: If you didn't get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son's principal because he was inviting girls to his "naked party," you aren't me.
@david8hughes: [hears baby crying in the next room] "It's ok, I'll go." [gets in car & goes to a motel]
@daemonic3: [traffic court] Your honor, I'm here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets JUDGE: Repeat infractions? Ok, I'm here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets