Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
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Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
😆this is so true
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
And bowling should be called pinball
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden