@okay_andi: Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@murrman5: [phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed] in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete "can owls fly" before mom sees it
@TheWeirdWorld: The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
@GrumpyBahr: North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
@kentgrossarth: Boss: Is that beer? You're not supposed to drink at work! Me: You're not supposed to cheat on your wife. Boss: You're doing a great job.