Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
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When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
gentlemen, hear me out
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me