If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
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There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.