Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
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my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I need to get some bricks…
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.