[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
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I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?