Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
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If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I am all good here, 😂😉
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?