Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
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[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
That’s no pocket rocket.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.