“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
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In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff