Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
You Might Also Like
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.