Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
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How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this