I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
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Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Bloody internet 😳
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus