[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
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“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
wishing you and yours all the best
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight