INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
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Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.