Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
You Might Also Like
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here