*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
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Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
My five year plan is a meteorite
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes